Crab Legs

Crab legs V. Marriage

Here are the crab legs, son. Look, when you start dating, you won’t be taking her to a Steak and Shake. In fact, your first real date may be homecoming, because girls will be girls. It still won’t be Applebee’s, it’ll be Red Lobster or, better yet, Bahama Breeze or Bonefish. You’ll want to order the steak because it’s safe (but is it though?) If you’re not being yourself, is it safe? Is it, though?

So, I’m going to ask you – for the sake of your future – to pay attention here. What kind of woman do you want? Think of all the women you’ve ever known… Me (by the way, why is the pronoun “I” capitalized but “me” is not?), your mother, your mother’s best friend, any memories of your grandma, the last two first ladies… Michele or Melania? You’re free to choose whichever. But let’s run the scenarios of what could happen…

So, here’s the thing (I like to break it down in simplest form): I’m just very observant and a student of human behavior… She’s a vegan – or some iteration – and is she offended? Maybe you’re a vegan, too, and this will be a good match (but aren’t we omnivores for a reason?). I know how my daughters would react, my best friend and my mother.

Let’s spin the women I know and the women you know, because our creativity will take us to a yet unknown scene… I can prepare for this scenario and break it down.

Run all the scenarios – disgust, admiration…

  • Do you want admiration? (is she impressed that you know how to crack crab legs so well at such a young age?);
  • Is it sincere (does she listen to you or is she using you for a free meal? You’ll know if she orders the most expensive thing on the menu) ;
  • Is it laziness? (does she want you to do all the cracking of the legs or does she want you to teach her? Is she willing to learn?)

I know my best friend would say she doesn’t like to fight with her food. I guess I should’ve taught her how…

Side note: if the crab legs are poorly cooked, no one will have a good time!

I had admiration for him. It was different with Larry (everything is different with Larry!), it was embarrassing with Mark (my first husband). Do you want a girl who contributes to the check? I’m adamant about this and it’s unpopular with the cockshoppers of the world. Larry knows how much I hate these bitches, trained through generations they are not keeping up with the times. As Andrew Dice Clay said: “I bought you crab legs so you know I wanted to fuck you!” Women have been controlled by money for centuries, epochs and eons! That’s what my mother taught me: I need to control the money, the supply chain, the science, the religion, the men, the thought… (Wait! you’re getting off topic!)

I’m sorry I measure time in husbands, but that’s all I know. Not base sixty or base 12, or base 100, I measure time in husbands and that sounds decidedly awful. I learned that from my mother, too. I learned from my mother how important it is to keep the father of your children around, why cheating on your significant other is so awful. My father, blob (my mother’s super obese boyfriend before obesity was a thing), Martin (remember him in My Challenge to Millenials?) all men, all the time… Monogenous, but still consuming and conflicting.

Do you want that, son? Do you want that a year from now? 20 years from now? Some times, the crab legs are cooked perfectly, but most often not. No, most of the times, it’s a struggle, like marriage. But is though? Is it? Maybe I was taught that it was difficult, but with Larry it is not…

You might or you might not. This is for you to decide! So, instead of doing all iterations on your first date, let’s do it now. In a super fun way, that you won’t even realize I’m teaching you a lesson I just dreamed up in seconds, but important, nonetheless.

Crab legs Vs. Monogamy (Like the People vs. Larry Flint, this will change everything, LMAO) Let’s roll!

Does everything have to be this calculated? No, because, if you spot the warning signs before the rose-colored beer goggles take effect, before your every move is controlled whether by drugs, the opposite sex or gambling, it’s time to learn now!

These were just my random thoughts, the first time I cooked crab legs (I really have to get to that recipe book. Everyone wonders how I can look so good at almost 50…)

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