I really need you to know I won’t cheat on you – it’s more important than air!
I need you to know that, when I called 911, it was my final rip cord. I didn’t have your number… Kayla and John… or Tiffany or whoever 🙂 . I could see the look… those “fuck me eyes” – it crossed my mind for a millisecond because I had been drinking, because it was New Year’s Eve, because I made up reasons to be mad at Larry. We’re at the casino and you hate casinos (it can’t go down that way! It can’t!) The lights (so many lights!); so many people… (Panic! So many people !!! ). I know he’ll try something on the ride home. Is he a date rapist – I can’t take that chance.
Loosing you was… (Oh, holy fuck, what have I done ?!?) Why do you create magic, then destroy it? Throw salt over the shoulder to blind the devil behind you? I am the devil behind you. I am your angel, perfecting magic too. I blur your lines so imperceptibly they don’t even know what hit you. (But fuck! Susan, you’re fucking THIS up? THIS? I thought we agreed to the fact that the devil inside us was dead – damn it, Susan, we agreed!).
Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! (Talk yourself down, girl! Talk yourself down! It’s not working !!!). You spot a gun… A gun that could end this all. (Too many machinations. Pull the 911 rip cord. They can’t find any Linville numbers in operation.) You look like a slut because you don’t know his address, you know they are looking down at Matthew and Teddy and it’s pissing you fuck off as they read their rap sheet (like fuck dude, like fuck! I bet you did worse and got away with it.) They keep going on (don’t make me look at that mug sheet one time. Fuck dude, know when to back off !) They work hard (they’re my family now; they’re everyday beautiful people who create magic, in a very special way in Linville house. (And you might fuck it up if you take that ride home! It is so inappropriate to hang out with a man like this – at least for my generation). You’re a wretch to want to go out on New Year’s Eve and miss the funniest movie and it was about something you and Larry had talked about. You even trying to make jokes – to deflect, that you can’t believe everything on the internet, web results are wrong because of Larry Linville, from the show MASH)
Back to the cracks and hostility about not knowing his address, (but you don’t know) he always drives – a 1950s sentimentality toward women that drove the perceived argument, even though it’s a return to civility; it’s endearing! It’s just….I almost had it all…! Then, you remember the address, but if the cops go there it will embarrass him (just hang yourself in shame, bitch). It is check mate! Just please come out alive to enjoy Larry… (Oh, he won’t want me now ! ) But Apparently, you’d rather be perceived as slut than embarrass him… Well, you already … (Sigh !)
Gun them down like looters in a riot. (Motherfucking cops, dude, mother-fucking cops! Thin blue line my ass! I broke the line! (Remember the shit about wanting a hug ?!)
This drove me into full mania, besides the horror of the ER – it all escalates for some and de-escalates for others. (We’ll talk about that another time.) No, it’s full on PTSD and… rolling blackouts, talking too loud, screaming about my rights… “You’re breaking the Constitution, don’t fuck with my constitution!” This goes on for hours, until Anna walks in. (Part of my army is at the door!)
Free from the panic over money or safety (I’m not being used for money and I don’t even… Wait! Off the point!). You are loved for being beautiful and interesting, for muscles you accidentally created for him? For your plaid boots and light forgery? The laughter? The horrors of the ER on New Year’s Eve is too much. The beautiful black people beaten down, the nursing crisis… (You are so fucking angry and there’s that mother fucking gun again! Economic slavery! Arghh !!! ) If you had ever held a gun, THIS would be a scenario. Why do you give people money when all they do is hurt you? (You’re a fucking asshole! That’s why!)
And that is not even the worst of it… your daughter and your oldest brother ambush you: the hate in their eyes is overwhelming! Bill insults your writing (he’s wants to probate you!). You are just trying to raise awareness of mental illness – how the breakdown of the medical community and corporate slavery has led to mass shootings. You are, just now, realizing how deceived you were! He tortured Sheri – you saw her break down (you remember her telling you brother that they hadn’t had sex in years – it had been years – YEARS ! You thought it was odd – she was asking YOU, the sister !). Now that you’re with Larry, you realize how damaging a sexless life is, (unless you’re asexual).
You ask your daughter point-blank – and she says “No!”. You ask again, (you would let me die over $20 !) and she says “We’ll have to agree to disagree on this!” – You will determine later she is autistic like you.
I don’t want to talk about the color of the sky or economic systems, I need coping mechanisms like food! (You know why she is mad at you, but really – you’ll let me die ?!) Imagine being alive and watching your dreams die, at this moment. Cascading amounts of dreams… No wedding (hell, no bridal shower for your daughter!), no mother-daughter pictures, no grandchildren, no friendship, no laughs…! You accidentally backed her into a corner surrounded by wet paint (no you didn’t paint it! Fuck, I guess we both did, but she took it too far!) You are still running scenarios a week later, and that won’t work! (You’re equal part “One flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and one part the “Shining”.) Anna is in front of you (you are the devil behind her shoulder); you can, in an instant, create all the insanity you want to release, with only the death being yours (you even escort stink bugs out the door).
I changed the world for her. And – once upon a time – she knew. She was my comrade in arms, but communism is dead now. (You don’t know what fucking economic party she is on, but she’s not on yours.) You were practically a blackout drinker, exchanging paychecks over for coke, tripping on acid by the Nelson Ledges. You had no direction, you wanted money, but did you really? You wanted more, but did you really? Not until you saw that plus sign on the pregnancy test! Without a conscious effort, all of that fades! Criminal activity and laughter cease (sort of). I would tell anyone who might listen that Mark was a great father. All I got in return was, “My dad said you cheated on him!” All I got was, “You just sit around and get child support!” when I had waived child support to prove I didn’t want his money – I was hoping he would be less angry then. He had been your bet friend for six years, you don’t want to destroy him, you just can’t get him on board to be responsible. He’s an alcoholic and there’s a 100% chance of weather (more on that later – it’s super funny). He was super angry that he fucked things up… I enrolled in college and I, unwittingly, raised an army… I didn’t know until now. I was an accidental capitalist from my few classes on economics.
If they had really cared, there would have been an intervention sooner!
You forgot HE perfected psychological terrorism and she was watching (is she doing it better?)
[Genghis Khan vs. Napoleon: shit, Genghis always wins! He is more primal, Napoleon is too in his head. This is going down bad, at a later date…]
You quietly ask them to leave. They give you that. Now you can breathe (OK, I’ll set up a shop in here, with my phone numbers and success!), rolling waves of panic and calm. It’s torture!
After 17 phone calls, Larry has agreed to see me. (His beautiful, loving face is there, in front of you. You should have complemented him more…! You are in awe, but he doesn’t want to listen, he won’t… maybe, eventually, more likely… It doesn’t matter, because you fucked up! It’s all going to be OK! THIS… THIS is what dreams are made of! Why did you forget that it would’ve been more fun to stay at home. New Year’s Eve is amateur night and you had found a super funny and sexual movie about something you JUST talked about always ends up this way? WHY?)
He wants to join you on fighting for justice. (If democracy could spread through the country without railways, surely you can do this!) We are, now, the People vs. Larry Flynt.
But don’t drag Mark into this (there are no blurred lines; just masters of indifference and helpfulness!) Scream at me about him – that’s fine, but no one else. You are running scenarios about other guys (surely, the other guys won’t hit on you in front of Larry and try to take you home; your ex could care less, Mark screamed at you for your lack of loyalty…).
Do not create a Pygmalion effect – whereby I am accused and therefore I am. It’s science, hon, it happens all the time! Just don’t bring Mark into this! For the final time I’m telling you! You keep asking me if I’ve cheated on you – if I’m being accused why not? No time will prove to him that you are a faithful woman, you just want time to pass more swiftly so he believes you.
I don’t want this to end…
Your equal “oddities” and agreements line up perfectly, your benefits can be used by each. There is so much love! (You forgot you didn’t want to destroy it…)
You’re begging not to be compared to Tressi and then (fucking ouch!) run this scenario instead:
I’ll be your Courtney Love if you’ll be my Larry Flynt! America needs us, honey, and I won’t kill you this time ( 😉 ). Please, don’t kill Kurt Cobain for $100! We need the laughter, the light vs. darkness, the fight… Hell, I’ll give you the hundred later 🙂 You lit this candle, please enjoy the afterglow… Enjoy the light… 🙂
OK – new scenario:
Remember you used to get up 4 a.m. to make breakfast from scratch (all your food creations!). That is your return to normal; plus, this GEODON is perpetual DMT. But it is organizing my thoughts (and you scared everyone on the road tonight). Kayla and everyone needs to be with you (only for a short time?).
If you think this is all too much, realize that I haven’t been able to think this much since Heather was born (I was in the slave trade apparently ?!). You have untied the ropes (I will always love you for that; plus it’s super sexy, I have muscles now, loool…)
I just created the perfect fucking scenario, hon: Larry Flynt with breakfast (looool). Thanks for bringing a smile to my face 🙂 (I forgot you always did that!) I just remembered how to manipulate your subconscious, so it rarely happens again (you won’t mind, you won’t even notice; I just can’t tell you). The answer was hiding in plain sight – I just forgot where to look 🙂 That is such a relief, baby 🙂 I can breathe again! I know I keep saying it, but I want you to know it….
I’m just now realizing that he poured gasoline on an inferno: he made me pissed off about all that I loved about you; he made me want to destroy us and him, at the same time. No, he didn’t make, I let him. I will be forever pissed at him for that – I just need to plan how to resolve the situation at the deli. I remember how, when his baby died and his wife got locked up, he fucked up everything in sight. (I have to stop thinking about what an asshole he is! The relationship ended remember because he doesn’t believe in fidelity – you weren’t willing to share? As my best friend would say my name is not Sharon, lol.
I am yours forever! I have to get some sleep, so I can wake you up… 😉
I’m so happy.
I just need to clean up the smoke from last night and we need to talk more about Gallipoli.
We need Flynt for breakfast 🙂 Maybe eventually, you can pour bourbon on your pancakes – time flies then – but you need to regain trust before you can day drink again.
That’s alright, that ok. You know how to create time dilations anyway – remember tedious chaos, remember the melted clocks of Salvador Dali – that just made me think of a great quote….but another time. It’s late we all need some sleep.